Did You Love Me Then?

When I was an infant child
nestled safely in my bed
before my tongue could form the words
you’d written in my head…
            …did you love me then?

When I sat at two years old
Breaking boundaries, just because I can…
            …did you love me then?

And as a child at four years old
at the mercy of someone else’s hands,
before I knew to flee from her demands…
            …did you love me then?
            Daddy, did you love me then?

When she returned to stake her claim
when I was only ten…
I laid there crying in the silence
Begging for it all to end
            …did you love me then?
            Daddy, did you love me then?

when the wounds inside my soul grew stronger
Threatening to drag me in
and when no matter how I tried the pain
always struck back again…
            …did you love me then?

when I took the pain into my own hands?
when no one in the world could understand?
when I screamed and cursed all that you had planned?
            did you love me then?
            could you love me then?

when I rejected your embrace
time after time in this dark, lonely place?
when you offered your love and I spat in your face?
            did you love me then?

And when I gazed upon your face
For the first time in all my days
And part of me deep down inside
Believed that you could take it all away…
            …did you love me then?
            Jesus, did you love me then?

All those times I found completion
There beneath his hand
Feeling so small but believing it was grand…
            …did you love me then?
            …I didn’t love me then.

when I sold myself like a stricken slave
and he’d let me taste of his love if I’d only behave
when I sunk to my knees to give all that was in me away…
            …I didn’t love you then…
            …I didn’t love me then.

when his love was more cherished to me than gold
and the cost seemed so simple – just my body and my soul
if I’d only let him twist shape and mold me
into whatever he wanted that night...
I would play the part right…
            …did you love me then?
            …how could you have loved me then?

When I used his love to keep me safe
long after I knew all the vows I would break
when all that really mattered was how much I could take
            …oh God, did you love me then?
            …why did you love me then?

And all those times that left me stained
Though there was no amount of booze that cure the pain
And all I was after was Novocain
…did you love me then?

Every lie
every curse
All the times
It got worse
and something in me refused to let you in
every grumble
every moan
all those nights
I’ve been alone
Believing I could never go back
To who I was again.
did you love me then?

was it you who sat beside me
On my parents’ king-sized bed?
was it You who took the gun
before I could raise it to my head?
…did you love me then?

Daddy did you love me then?
Jesus, did you love me then?

When you were hanging on a tree
Nails in your hands
Your wrists
Your feet
Sweat pouring from your brow
And gritting your teeth…
…You loved me then.

When darkness shrouded, earth’s worst hour
and the wine on your lips was dripping and sour
And God’s face withdrew in His mighty power…
…You loved me then.

When from your lips a terrible cry
Tore as every human being’s eye
Met yours within the walls of your mind
and You loved me then?

When you could see my every sin
From the very beginning to the days in the end
Such a thick pool of anguish as they all start to blend
Yet, You loved me then.

Before time’s dawn
before I was so frail
Before I was born
Before I could fail
You already knew that Your love would prevail
And You loved me then.
You loved me then.
And when we finally come home

when all glory and honor are solely your own
when your power resonates deep down into my bones
and I fall to your feet as you sit on your throne
…will you love me then?
I will love you then
Because you loved me when…
You loved me then.