Boxes

Sitting in a small space

On the carpet of a little bedroom

Packing my life up

In boxes, moving into another season

In this box goes the clothing

I wore on a first date that still sort of fits

Unlike the one I wore them for.

In that box are the keepsakes

Awards and trophies, mostly for

Knowing and performing the perfect song.

In this box are the shoes that

Have traveled the world with me –

the flip-flops I wore the

Last time my feet felt the ocean.

the sneakers that tasted

the streets of England and Italy.

The high heels that walked down

The aisle when my best friend married her

True love – the same pair

That followed the casket that carried my daddy’s father.

Packed up and taped down

And carried out of this place.

In this box the letters he sent me

From far too far away

The post cards from places I wish I could have seen

with my own eyes.

In that box are the books that

Carry me so very far away

Engulfed in the images

That hold me close for hours and hours.

And in that box are the notebooks

And the journals and the lyrics

To all the songs and all the stories

And all my thoughts and all my queries

The drawings, the sketches

Those things which helped me heal.

…

And in this box are the things that

I know I can’t take with me.

My fingers brush the edges

Before I tape them down.

The pictures, the outfits,

The curtains, the little things that no one else knows

The stories that bear their pricelessness.

And in this box are the prayers that

I’ll hold onto until they’re answered.

In boxes with flowers along the frame.

And in that box are the praises

I never want to let go of.

Thanking a God who loves me so well

Wrapped up in boxes

Packed up in boxes

Stacked up on boxes

Stored up in boxes.

Sitting on the floor of

A blue box with chocolate trim.

No longer my box

But an empty space for someone else to fill.

Letters

Let 

Each one scatter across the floor

The letters we've exchanged over the years

Tiny slivers of glass which form the mosaic of who we

Each have become along the way

Remnants of our pasts and 

Subtle hints and musings of an uncertain future.

I still have all of your letters.

Lovers exchanging glances, not with their 

Eyes, but with every word penned,

Thousands of descriptors to capture the subtlest of gazes.

Truths
Embroidered throughout the empty page
Rendered from unhindered hearts and a God whose

Story we both were telling, each in our own way.

I still have all of your letters.

Let
Each one scatter across the floor as 

The words I suddenly search for 

Teeter over the tip of my tongue, but never reach the pen in my hand.

Even if I knew what I should say to you,
Reminders of our last conversation

Still bind my hands, my tongue, my heart. 

Wordless, speechless...
I still have all of your letters. 

Letters begin to pour out of the pen

Eloquent and endless professions of forgiveness,

The boundaries which cannot be crossed

The friendship I pray that I haven't lost, and

Even if you decide to walk away

Regretting that you knew me, despising the years this has taken

Still you must know what will remain ever true

I still have all of your letters.

Stomach Drop

You know the feeling – that sensation of falling

That can wake you out of a dead sleep

You’re falling fast

Hard

Unstoppable

The air blowing past your face at excruciating speed

Until finally you awake in your bed

Safe and sound

Falling without falling.

This feeling akin to the tingle in your abdomen

When you’re sitting at the top of a roller coaster

That one fateful instant before the plunge.

The same sensation as diving head-first off of a three-meter board

The moment before you crash into the waters below.

Or perhaps the moment you take the racing platform

an instant before the gun sounds

And you plummet into the water

To give everything you have away for the sake of gold.

You know the feeling

As you take the stage for a song or a sermon

When all eyes are upon you,

Anxiously expecting greatness –

will they be disappointed with what they see?

It’s that near-miss, dodged-a-bullet feeling

You get as you barely avoid a collision.

Or perhaps it’s that feeling when worlds collide,

Plans fall apart

To make way for something better.

Something unexpected.

Where you expected a kiss, you were met with a fist-bump

Where you hoped for a hug, friendly banter took its place.

You wonder – should I be disappointed?

Everything you’ve experienced tells you that you should be

Everything inside agrees, save that still small voice that whispers

“No.”

“No, sweetheart. This was my plan all along.”

And you can’t be disappointed,

You don’t even need to pray through it anymore

Because the pain you were expecting never showed up.

Where you sought a lover

You found a brother

Where you sought silver

You found platinum or gold

Where you sought sustenance

You found a feast.

Was it the feast you were expecting?

The menu you’d planned?

No.

But the King who extended the invitation

Guessed in advance the things you would need

And provided bountifully,

Beautifully.

And all you can do is stand in awe at the banquet table,

Musing to yourself how could He have ever guessed this was what you were craving all along?

Pure, unadulterated affection

Friendship

Companionship

The ability to trust

To love

To hope

To accept

To be content.

And these realizations flood you

Overwhelming your system

And your soul

Crashing one after the other

Into your heart

Filling you with gladness, saturating your being with peace

Though not what you were expecting.

And all you know is that you thought you were jumping

You thought you were falling

And yet before you hit the water

Before you crashed to the bottom

Your King awakened you

With a jolt

An epiphany

A moment

A flash

A stomach drop.

Did You Love Me Then?

When I was an infant child
nestled safely in my bed
before my tongue could form the words
you’d written in my head…
            …did you love me then?

When I sat at two years old
Breaking boundaries, just because I can…
            …did you love me then?

And as a child at four years old
at the mercy of someone else’s hands,
before I knew to flee from her demands…
            …did you love me then?
            Daddy, did you love me then?

When she returned to stake her claim
when I was only ten…
I laid there crying in the silence
Begging for it all to end
            …did you love me then?
            Daddy, did you love me then?

when the wounds inside my soul grew stronger
Threatening to drag me in
and when no matter how I tried the pain
always struck back again…
            …did you love me then?

when I took the pain into my own hands?
when no one in the world could understand?
when I screamed and cursed all that you had planned?
            did you love me then?
            could you love me then?

when I rejected your embrace
time after time in this dark, lonely place?
when you offered your love and I spat in your face?
            did you love me then?

And when I gazed upon your face
For the first time in all my days
And part of me deep down inside
Believed that you could take it all away…
            …did you love me then?
            Jesus, did you love me then?

All those times I found completion
There beneath his hand
Feeling so small but believing it was grand…
            …did you love me then?
            …I didn’t love me then.

when I sold myself like a stricken slave
and he’d let me taste of his love if I’d only behave
when I sunk to my knees to give all that was in me away…
            …I didn’t love you then…
            …I didn’t love me then.

when his love was more cherished to me than gold
and the cost seemed so simple – just my body and my soul
if I’d only let him twist shape and mold me
into whatever he wanted that night...
I would play the part right…
            …did you love me then?
            …how could you have loved me then?

When I used his love to keep me safe
long after I knew all the vows I would break
when all that really mattered was how much I could take
            …oh God, did you love me then?
            …why did you love me then?

And all those times that left me stained
Though there was no amount of booze that cure the pain
And all I was after was Novocain
…did you love me then?

Every lie
every curse
All the times
It got worse
and something in me refused to let you in
every grumble
every moan
all those nights
I’ve been alone
Believing I could never go back
To who I was again.
did you love me then?

was it you who sat beside me
On my parents’ king-sized bed?
was it You who took the gun
before I could raise it to my head?
…did you love me then?

Daddy did you love me then?
Jesus, did you love me then?

When you were hanging on a tree
Nails in your hands
Your wrists
Your feet
Sweat pouring from your brow
And gritting your teeth…
…You loved me then.

When darkness shrouded, earth’s worst hour
and the wine on your lips was dripping and sour
And God’s face withdrew in His mighty power…
…You loved me then.

When from your lips a terrible cry
Tore as every human being’s eye
Met yours within the walls of your mind
and You loved me then?

When you could see my every sin
From the very beginning to the days in the end
Such a thick pool of anguish as they all start to blend
Yet, You loved me then.

Before time’s dawn
before I was so frail
Before I was born
Before I could fail
You already knew that Your love would prevail
And You loved me then.
You loved me then.
And when we finally come home

when all glory and honor are solely your own
when your power resonates deep down into my bones
and I fall to your feet as you sit on your throne
…will you love me then?
I will love you then
Because you loved me when…
You loved me then.